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DO NOT FIGHT MOBY-DICK YOU IDIOT
Sophie Hatter: She may look like a pushover, but her round-two game is strong. If you fight her you will live to regret it.
Lettie Hatter: Lettie does not let anything get in between her and what she wants. She has no fucks to give. Do not fight Lettie.
Martha Hatter: You can take Martha. But sometimes when you think you’re fighting Martha you’re actually fighting Lettie.
Howl: Ha ha ha good luck getting him to stand still long enough for you to fight him.
Calcifer: HE IS AN ACTUAL STAR. You think you’re hard? You’re not that hard.
Michael Fisher: Why, though? You’d win, but Howl would be cross and Sophie would come after you with weed killer.
The Witch of the Waste: Will literally disassemble you for spare parts. Avoid.
Lily Angorian: Start running. Just run.
Lettie Hatter: Lettie does not let anything get in between her and what she wants. She has no fucks to give. Do not fight Lettie.
Martha Hatter: You can take Martha. But sometimes when you think you’re fighting Martha you’re actually fighting Lettie.
Howl: Ha ha ha good luck getting him to stand still long enough for you to fight him.
Calcifer: HE IS AN ACTUAL STAR. You think you’re hard? You’re not that hard.
Michael Fisher: Why, though? You’d win, but Howl would be cross and Sophie would come after you with weed killer.
The Witch of the Waste: Will literally disassemble you for spare parts. Avoid.
Lily Angorian: Start running. Just run.
Miranda Chant: Darling, don’t be crass.
Cosimo Chant: It’s not going to be a very satisfying fight, because odds are good that he’s not even going to notice that there’s a fight going on, but sure, fight Cosimo. What’s he going to do, write a strongly-worded note?
Ralph Argent: YES. FIGHT RALPH ARGENT. If you have an angry magical cat, even better. Hours of entertainment!
Gabriel DeWitt: Okay, I can totally see why you’d want to, but stop and consider: a) He’s a frail old man, so win or lose it’s going to look bad for you. b) He is a nine-lifed enchanter. c) He’s got an extremely loyal and competent staff. Really, you’re better off just walking away from this one. (Also Gabriel would like to point out that it’s whom you should fight in and around Chrestomanci Castle.)
Mordecai Roberts: You are not fighting Mordecai Roberts. Mordecai Roberts was never even here. While you thought you were fighting Mordecai Roberts, he was off betraying you to his evil other-dimensional overlords, but to be fair he didn’t really have a choice and he feels super bad about it.
Flavian Temple: YOU MONSTER.
Miss Rosalie: Maybe you could take her? I give you a 50-50 chance. The bigger problem is that picking a fight with Rosalie is the surest way to get into a fight with Gabriel, because she’s the one who knows when all his appointments are. Why don’t you play a friendly game of cricket instead?
Christopher Chant: Cons: Extremely powerful enchanter. Still has a couple of spare lives, so even if you kill him, he’ll just be back. Has the legal authority to strip you of whatever magic powers you might have, and in extreme cases destroy your entire universe. Pros: Look at his smug face. You know you want to punch it. Go on, punch it.
Millie: Why would you want to fight this utter sweetheart? Also, be aware that if you do she will kick your ass so hard that your counterparts in nine different worlds will feel it.
Julia Chant: Your best option here is honestly to lose quickly and hope that Julia is gracious in victory. If you manage to win, you will regret it. She will not forget, she will not forgive, she will find a thousand little ways to make every hour a living hell. Don’t even start with Julia.
Roger Chant: As long as you aren’t messing with his current project or getting between him and a meal, Roger probably can’t be arsed to put up much of a fight. Go on and fight him, just make sure you don’t piss off his sister while you do.
Gwendolen Chant: The only drawback I’m seeing here is that you’re going to have to wait in line. It is a long line. I hope you brought a snack.
Janet Chant: She doesn’t have any magic, and her most notable talents are figuring things out, turning a phrase, and looking pretty. You could take her, but you’re a jerk.
Cat Chant: See Millie, but like times ten. Do you want to be locked away in a pocket dimension forever? Do you want to be turned into a tree so hard that even Christopher can’t turn you back? These are among the things that could happen if you manage to make Cat angry. Do not touch Cat’s horse. Do not touch Cat’s griffin. DO NOT FIGHT CAT.
Joe Pinhoe: Joe does not give two shits about anything, except maybe Marianne, and that’s a maybe. Joe fights dirty. Do not fight Joe.
Marianne Pinhoe: So remember what I said about fighting Joe? Marianne has been fighting Joe since she could crawl, not to mention her dozen boy cousins. You think you can handle Marianne? Please.
Klartch: HE’S A 300-KILO GRIFFIN ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUPID.
Cosimo Chant: It’s not going to be a very satisfying fight, because odds are good that he’s not even going to notice that there’s a fight going on, but sure, fight Cosimo. What’s he going to do, write a strongly-worded note?
Ralph Argent: YES. FIGHT RALPH ARGENT. If you have an angry magical cat, even better. Hours of entertainment!
Gabriel DeWitt: Okay, I can totally see why you’d want to, but stop and consider: a) He’s a frail old man, so win or lose it’s going to look bad for you. b) He is a nine-lifed enchanter. c) He’s got an extremely loyal and competent staff. Really, you’re better off just walking away from this one. (Also Gabriel would like to point out that it’s whom you should fight in and around Chrestomanci Castle.)
Mordecai Roberts: You are not fighting Mordecai Roberts. Mordecai Roberts was never even here. While you thought you were fighting Mordecai Roberts, he was off betraying you to his evil other-dimensional overlords, but to be fair he didn’t really have a choice and he feels super bad about it.
Flavian Temple: YOU MONSTER.
Miss Rosalie: Maybe you could take her? I give you a 50-50 chance. The bigger problem is that picking a fight with Rosalie is the surest way to get into a fight with Gabriel, because she’s the one who knows when all his appointments are. Why don’t you play a friendly game of cricket instead?
Christopher Chant: Cons: Extremely powerful enchanter. Still has a couple of spare lives, so even if you kill him, he’ll just be back. Has the legal authority to strip you of whatever magic powers you might have, and in extreme cases destroy your entire universe. Pros: Look at his smug face. You know you want to punch it. Go on, punch it.
Millie: Why would you want to fight this utter sweetheart? Also, be aware that if you do she will kick your ass so hard that your counterparts in nine different worlds will feel it.
Julia Chant: Your best option here is honestly to lose quickly and hope that Julia is gracious in victory. If you manage to win, you will regret it. She will not forget, she will not forgive, she will find a thousand little ways to make every hour a living hell. Don’t even start with Julia.
Roger Chant: As long as you aren’t messing with his current project or getting between him and a meal, Roger probably can’t be arsed to put up much of a fight. Go on and fight him, just make sure you don’t piss off his sister while you do.
Gwendolen Chant: The only drawback I’m seeing here is that you’re going to have to wait in line. It is a long line. I hope you brought a snack.
Janet Chant: She doesn’t have any magic, and her most notable talents are figuring things out, turning a phrase, and looking pretty. You could take her, but you’re a jerk.
Cat Chant: See Millie, but like times ten. Do you want to be locked away in a pocket dimension forever? Do you want to be turned into a tree so hard that even Christopher can’t turn you back? These are among the things that could happen if you manage to make Cat angry. Do not touch Cat’s horse. Do not touch Cat’s griffin. DO NOT FIGHT CAT.
Joe Pinhoe: Joe does not give two shits about anything, except maybe Marianne, and that’s a maybe. Joe fights dirty. Do not fight Joe.
Marianne Pinhoe: So remember what I said about fighting Joe? Marianne has been fighting Joe since she could crawl, not to mention her dozen boy cousins. You think you can handle Marianne? Please.
Klartch: HE’S A 300-KILO GRIFFIN ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUPID.
